Six in San Diego

 Sharing kids isn't easy.. I never imagined myself in a situation where I didn't have my children with me for every bit of their childhood, yet.. this is something I have done pretty much my entire life as a mother. My oldest daughter's father and I split when she was fairly young.. just months old. 

 With Autumn, after she moved in with her dad, I would often feel awful telling her anything we did or had plans to do. I would cringe as soon as I heard one of my other children tell her things we were doing. She missed out on multiple Disneyland trips. Not sure why that currently sticks out the most, but it sucks.

 Now I am a soon-to-be stepmom to three other children who are always home (they don't have another parent to go visit on weekends, so the situation is a little different as they are here 100% of the time). I am constantly feeling torn.. guilty.. for making plans that don't involve my biological kids.. or maybe only a few of them. I will beat myself up over them not being included in even the smallest of things. Do they feel like I did it just to leave them out on purpose? Could I have rescheduled our plans to include all of the children? We have changed plans several times to include them. It's a constant struggle.

 This past weekend was a perfect example. My kids were suppose to go to their dads house, it was his weekend. My daughter, Alannah, had a dance competition to go to about 3.5 hours away. My son, Austin, had his final championship game for hockey here in town. Their dad and I split visitation for the weekend to get the kids where they needed to go. 

 Since Seth was home this weekend (He had worked 12 days straight) we decided to make a weekend of it, get a hotel, go to dinner, etc. Yep, the guilt of Austin and Amelia not being there to join us kicked in the moment I started making plans. I knew it would be an issue. Before Austin even went to his dads for the weekend, he said to me, "So, I guess you guys are going to the beach?". He heard us making plans. My heart sunk.

 So, we drove down to San Diego. My daughter competed Saturday afternoon and we went to a yummy dinner, checked into our hotel by the beach and woke the next morning to go have some fun. with only four of our seven kids. 

And we had fun.. A lot of fun, actually. 

And I took pictures of our 4 smiling kids.. A lot of pictures.

 The pictures are always hard for me. There's been many times I have shared photos on social media followed by, "Oh, so-and-so is with their dad.. at dance.. school.." I am not sure why I feel the need to explain where a kid is when I am sharing our 'fun' pictures and some are missing. Maybe I just don't want the viewers to wonder why someone isn't included. Maybe they don't think I like one of my children? Silly.. I know.. but people jump to the worst conclusions most the time.

 Or what is the missing child going to think when looking through photo albums someday and wonder why there's none of them on certain trips? I mean, obviously my kids know they are gone every other weekend.. for school breaks, etc. But still. There are times I have just not taken photos because I feel kinda.. bad. 

But that needs to stop. This is our life. With 7 kids and split visitation schedules with three of them and one living in Arizona... it's just.not.possible. It's not possible to have each and every one of them there for every little thing we do. Sadly, they don't realize that quite yet.

My guilt of 'having fun without the others' could have prevented me capturing these precious memories.

My daughter Alannah being free. Not a care in the world as she was jumping around the cool sandy beach.

Exploring and collecting shells. 

And just laughing and truly enjoying each others company.

 It's a little easier to not feel so bad when I have at least one of my biological children with me. The real issue is when all of them are gone for a weekend and they come home and Seth's kiddos share things we did over the weekend. My kids and their long faces, questioning me.. it's so hard. One time we went bowling... "Why couldn't you go next weekend with us?". 

How do I get them to understand that we don't try to leave them out?

 How do I get them to realize that we still have a life to live here even if they are away for the weekend? Seth is away often traveling for work and it's not always so easy to plan family trips or fun things when everyones schedules align.

 One time my daughter Alannah pointed out that I spent more time with Seth's children than I do my own. Ouch. And you know.. it's 100% true. That's just how it is in our situation though. How do I get them to adjust and understand this? They are just kids and I don't think they see the entire picture clearly. Actually, I know they don't.

 To my four... Mama doesn't want to leave you out. I don't. I truly want you there for everything. I wish life was simple and you never questioned the things I do. I wish you didn't wonder if I purposely left you out. I hate to see you get jealous when you hear about something we did over the weekend you were away, especially if it's things I always did for you four as something special and unique. I try so hard. I do. I promise my heart is big and nobody is going to take away any love I have for you. 

 To Seth's three.. I don't want life to stop for you. I want to be here and continue to make memories with you all... and capture them. I'm sorry if my kids get snappy with you when you are so excited to share that we made cupcakes, or that we went to a movie, to Las Vegas... They don't understand and I know you don't either. I want to see you all smile. Real honest smiles. I promise my heart is big and I will love you like my own.

 I hope over time it gets easier, I do. All I can do is continue to try my best and show my own children that they are very much a part of everything here, even if they can't always physically be there.

The six of us.. We went to the beach. We had a blast. We made memories. We're a family of nine. 

 No matter who was there or not; we are a family of 9. That's a lot of love. A lot of hugs. A lot of shoulders to cry on. A lot of live-in playmates. A lot of people who have your back. Missing out on a weekend trip, a movie night, or a birthday party will never, ever change that. I promise.